


Echo

by v_writes



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dealing With Loss, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22937206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v_writes/pseuds/v_writes
Summary: Ludger doesn't know how to deal with loss.
Kudos: 3





	Echo

**Author's Note:**

> I once had a dream that led to this fic being written, but honestly, I figured I wanted to use the premise of the dream for an original work so this was never truly "finished" when I was writing this years back, but hey. It's pretty good as is. 
> 
> Unlike with "With Time.", my AssCreed dealing-with-death, I actually bothered to use my original, kinda pretentious but v nice formatting. :3c Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Anyway do give a listen to Echo by Jason Walker

He is dead. He is _dead._ Your _brother_ is dead. Julius is. Is.

Dead.

(and you killed him.)

It wasn't the first time. It's nothing like the first time. It's not an accident. It's. It's something you thought about.

(you made the call.)

It's something he _asked_ of you.

(it's still your fault.)

(you were still the one who-

who-)

That night, when you close your eyes, all you can see is him. All you can feel is him. The way you pushed the spear _into_ him, _through_ his chest. The way his blood was warm in your hands.

The way he _smiled._

(there must've been another way--)

You can't get stuck in could've beens, what ifs, what if-- don't dwell on it, don't think about it just do _not_ \--

His pocketwatch is cold in your hands and no matter how long you hold it, it won't warm it's—

it's just as dead as Julius is.

You don't cry yourself to sleep that night. Or the night after that. Or the one after that, or after that- you just don't. Most nights, you're unable to sleep. Most nights, you just cradle his watch in your numb fingers and wish...

for something.

On the nights you sleep, you can't shake the feeling of longing in your dreams, and you wake crying more than once, without clear memories.

(it's probably for the best.)

Days go quickly, in a blur of working on odd jobs to pay back the debt, preparing for the journey to Canaan, working more, battling monsters and sparring until complete exhaustion and that's not enough to drown the sorrow the guilt the _regret_ and oh gods Rideaux was _right,_ that bastard.

(you don't think he deserved what happened to him, what must've happened to him, no one deserves that, no one should... should have to...)

You _know_ you need to hurry, hurry to stop Bisley, to save _Elle_ but-

what does anything matter any more? You feel so numb, so... empty.

(maybe you could've been the bridge?)

(Julius. You wonder, was it truly too late for him?)

(...could he have done it?)

There's a job posting, for one of your brother's recordings and it's... it's not as painful as you anticipated. It isn't even a recording, you don't have to(you don't get to) hear him speak, and you can't decide if it's good, or bad, or just...

You feel numb.

What the disc includes, however, is the keycode to Julius' room.

You can't remember the last time you set foot in it. Before all this started. It's just as you remember - clean, almost sterile in it's simplicity.

(You can still _smell_ Julius in the room.)

There is, however, a package on the desk. And a letter on top of it.

It's adressed to you.

You read the first few lines and, and, oh, it's too much - it would be easier to hate him, for the things you only recently learned about but- he's much more than his past. You can't hate him for the death of your mother, a mother who you can't even remember. You can't hate him for using your watch, using _you_ \- after all, you had - unknowingly though - done the same to Elle.

(you truly are brothers, even in this-)

You ask to be alone for a moment. Jude and Milla, they understand, they go into the kitchen. Put the kettle on.

The sound of boiling water drowns your sobs.

(later; you realize this is the first time you've allowed yourself to cry since-

since Marksburg.)

It feels like forever, but your shoulders eventually stop shaking. You wipe your eyes on your sleeve. You wipe nose too. On the desk, in the package, there is a set of blades, just like the kind Julius used to fight with - you take one, try the weight of it, the balance, the feel of it- it's perfect. The grip fits your hand exactly right. They fit you better than the pair of identical blades you took from Julius'- from his-

(you can't shake the idea that these were to be your birthday present-

and look, you're crying again)

In sudden desperation to feel some kind of, _any_ kind of connection to him, you blindly rummage through Julius' desk drawers. Papers, photo albums, several discs of recordings, a sketchbook? - and on the bottom-most drawer, your fingers meet glass and metal.

Julius' old glasses.

They're the same style as his current ones were. They're just... the prescription is not as strong, and you try them on. It had never crossed your mind before, that you might need glasses, but now that you've put Julius' glasses on you think-

you don't want to take them off.

(they feel a bit weird, a weight on the bridge of your nose, but they don't press your temples like that pair of sunglasses you used to have, and... you think you might see slightly better with the glasses on than without - hadn't Alvin mentioned your aim was off?)

You decide to keep them. For now. Until you get a pair of your own. Maybe. If. If you get a pair of your own.

(somehow it feels right to have something he used to wear. you don’t dwell on it.)

**Author's Note:**

> My ToX2 related Magnum Opus is still my Bad End fanmix on 8tracks(rip). If you want to recreate the fanmix in music library of your choice and give it a listen, here's the track list(in order):
> 
> 1 - Imagine Dragons: Lost Cause  
> 2 - Telepathe: Destroyer(Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross remix but original works too)  
> 3 - Brothers Bright: Blood on My Name  
> 4 - Poets of the Fall: Given and Denied  
> 5 - Lacuna Coil: Our Truth  
> 6 - Edith Piaf: Non, je ne regrette rien  
> 7 - Poets of the Fall: Dawn  
> 8 - Depeche Mode: Damaged People  
> 9 - Jack Wall & Sam Hulick: The End(Reprise)(From Mass Effect OST)


End file.
